Satisfaction

I don't think I'm ever going to be satisfied. It's a problem.

And now my knitting blog is my bitch blog. For those of you uninterested, skip it. :)

My career is pretty much at a stand still. I don't think it's because I'm incapable, I think it's because I've landed myself in this sort of vortex of inescapable doom. Okay. Time to move on. I'll figure out something. Granted, I'm sure I'll leap from the pot to the fire, but I suppose being roasted alive is different than boiled alive.

My dating life...yeah...well...my dating life is always complicated. Goes like this, evil selfish loser, in another state guy, selfish not a boyfriend, ready for too much to soon guy, and guy.

Guy's great. But. We're not too stupid teenagers anymore or even young carefree fledgling adults. We're two very very busy parents with little kids. And after his kid decided he wasn't going to sleep tonight, but instead just stay up forever mode (my kid's done this, I understand), I just sort of got irratated by it. But that's not a good description. It's like I came to this understanding...his kid needs him more than I do right now. I'm not doing so good coming in second here. It's also not helping that his kid tends to get away with behaviour that I can't stand in my own kids.

There's so much complication to this it's starting to tear at me. Tonight apparently was the night that I just didn't want to hang out on the couch knitting by myself waiting for kid to fall asleep.

So, now I'm home. Instead of at a friend's going away party because I had especially set aside this time thinking that it was going to be spent with me. However, that's not how it exactly worked out. I'm selfish I guess. It's all about me I guess. I said, "I'm going to go home if you're going to fall asleep." (since he was the one now sleeping as his kid is sitting there trying to point out items in the movie on TV) He says,

"I figured you would."

Thanks.

He says, "Don't I even get a kiss goodbye?"
Me, gives peck, hands full of stuff.
He says, "You're mad."
I say, "I'll talk to you later."

I think he may have said, "Ok, be careful driving."

I don't remember.

I kind of feel bad. I kind of feel just full of awareness. I was married and had a bad marriage because I was unaware. Now, now I'm overaware. It scares me to get involved with relationships. I want it my way or at least close to my way or forget it. I can't figure out if it's that I don't mesh well with the kid or with the situation.

Stupid racing brain. Stupid X marriage that fucked me all up in the relationship department. Stupid selfishness. Stupid dissatisfaction with life.

I know it could be worse, but tonight I just feel cruddy.

You know the worst part? This guy really really loves me. I can see it all over his face. That's the worst part of all.